5 months and 29 days ago, I got dumped.  It sucked.  I wasn't completely blindsided, that is to say I knew there were problems, but I guess I figured that my beloved and I would continue on in our half-happy state until something catastrophic blew us apart, much like my parents have been doing for the past 29 years. So even though I spent many nights crying myself to sleep over this man and feeling underloved while we were together, there were plenty of good moments too.  He could be sweet and fairly affectionate.  He was 23 years my senior and a total silver fox, was funny and quirky and liked renting weird movies from the library and watching them in his cute Venice apartment.  He was a Teen Fiction writer, so we were always talking about story ideas and dreaming up characters for future books. We went to art openings, concerts, and readings, and hung out with his interesting, intelligent, successful friends who were thriving in creative fields.  I didn't know where we were going and sometimes felt insecure in our relationship (hence night crying), but I always felt completely warm and safe in his arms, and that seemed like enough.

I was devastated when he told me he "couldn't move forward" and broke up with me.  No kidding, I wanted to say. After a year and a half of dating, you never talked about moving in together or even so much as going on a vacation.  You even flinched when I suggested we "be in New York at the same time some time" and never wanted to meet my parents.  These should have been red flags for me.  But the fact was, I was so happy to not only be with someone, but to be with someone whom I felt like actually "got me."  I go through life feeling like a total weirdo most of the time, and it was great to meet someone who seemed charmed by my weirdness and even to love it.  Although he never said those magical words. Another red flag ignored.  But still all of these bad signs were outweighed by the fact that I had made what felt like a truly meaningful connection, I finally had someone with whom I could explore Los Angeles, where I had just moved a few months ago, and where I was currently being consumed by loneliness.  I finally had someone to go to things with, and someone to sleep with.  Although the Teen Fiction Writer never slept over.  Obvs.  He liked to sleep with the radio on, dialed to some crazy channel that pondered the existence of aliens and supernatural beings, and I liked it quiet. I like being toasty warm under the covers at night, and he always like to be "sort've cold." Who likes to be cold in bed? Anyway...

There were tons of problems, sure. But this man meant more to me than any other semblances of romantic connections in the past, and getting over him has been tough. I've been doing all the right things:  Cultivating friendships, exercising, getting hobbies.  But despite my progress, I am still prone to bothering my friends with and mulling obsessively over the "What ifs" and "Why did hes," and the "What is he thinkings." But today is the last day for all of that. At the advice of a friend, I have been celibate and date-free for almost 6 months (well, not technically, but the two weird OK Cupid coffee dates don't really count).  While I am not completely over Teen Fiction Writer, it's time.  He's not coming back, and I'm sure (pretty sure) I wouldn't take him back if he knocked down my door with a dozen roses in his hand and a mariachi band playing in the background.  Because I'm starting to realize that I deserve better than the scraps he was giving me. So tomorrow, on the 6th month anniversary of our split, I will embark on MY YEAR OF ADMENTURE.

The concept was inspired by a friend of mine, whom you'll meet, Sojourner Ruth.  She went speed dating one night and met a bevy of ineligible, yet notably quirky men.  One of them was Chris, who announced proudly that he was at the beginning of a Year of Adventure.  Throughout this year, he would be doing things that always scared or challenged him, like sky diving, speed dating, and going on long car rides to far off places. My friend didn't like Chris, but she liked the concept.  I did too, and always a fan of word play, I started to wonder, what would a year of ADMENTURE look like? It would be easy to think of it as a year of whoring around.  It might even be tempting, at this point.  But as my 30th year on earth looms ever nearer, the prospect of just sleeping with a bunch of guys to prove a point or fill some hole inside (ha) seems played out. Instead, maybe a year of AdMENture means being fearless when it comes to men and dating.  It means exploring avenues that I haven't explored before, and is characterized by a general feeling of openness and possibility. Maybe it means dating a Republican...OK maybe not that, but maybe another "type" of guy that I thought I'd never date. It means speed dating, internet dating.  Reading cheesy dating books, and testing their theories.  It means entering the dating world, body, mind, and soul, and not letting stupid insecurities, fears, or leftover feelings for TFW hold me back from experiencing someone new and perhaps better for me.

This will be a blog about my dating experiences, but will also be about the AdMENture lifestyle, because the only way to do this, in my mind is to really DO THIS, or else it wouldn't be an adventure, would it?  It would just be a Year of Occasionally Dating, and Joan of Arc didn't get to be a heroine for the ages by half-assing uprisings.  So as I write this blog about my experiences with dating men I meet online and in the world of Los Angeles, I will also post recipes, book reviews, videos, ass-kicking workouts, and other fun things along the way that will fuel me (and you!) along this epic journey.

There will be guest columnists.  Expect to hear "The Truth from Sojourner Ruth," a good friend who tells it like it is. And many more...

So as I let Teen Fiction Writer go in a big way today, my heart is still somewhat heavy and I'm filled with bittersweet memories. But I also have to admit that I'm pretty pumped to surrender to the AdMENture ahead.  Who is out there? While part of me is scared that I will never meet that person who "gets" me and also happens to be smart and talented but not conceited, funny and sarcastic but not mean, fun and social but up for a good snuggle, the Year of AdMENture is not about fear!! And to kick it off with a bang, I'll be spending tomorrow evening with a gaggle of supportive women and the hottest silver fox of them all, Richard Simmons!

Yours,
Joan of Heart