Week Three:  Attitude Adjustment or Be Nice to Guys!

“You fucking ASSHOLE!”  I screamed.  I thought it would be funny.  Tim is a hot substitute teacher for my improv class.   He’s passionate, energetic and quirky with his massive fro and 70’s mustache.   I figured he’d obviously get that I was just being a kooky character when I yelled at him upon his too late arrival at the theater that Friday night, just missing my class’s big show.  And I guess maybe I wished he had been there, so I was a little irked, but mostly I yelled because I have a crush on him.  Yep.  I’m  stuck in 1^st grade when it comes to mating rituals. And even though Tim can be goofy and a little childish on stage, he did not seem to get the joke.  He turned vampire white and just started stammering, not knowing how to reply.  I felt dumb, and ran away.  If we had a friendly, occasionally vaguely flirtatious thing going before, he now pretty much ignores me, or hesitantly waves from a very safe distance.  I guess I blew that one. Maybe I should have pushed him into a snow bank and kicked him in the balls, like I did to Jordan, my sixth grade crush?

I’ve been thinking about the Timcident a lot, and it's making me realize that I need an attitude adjustment when it comes to my perception of and interactions with men.  This reminds me of an anecdote from work, which I’ll happily regale you with.   I work in an art museum, and a major part of my job is chatting with school groups about large-scale ancient sculptures of completely naked men.  A daily occurrence goes like this:  I bring a group of 5^th graders into a room dedicated to an ancient sculpture of Hercules, a seven foot tall marble masterwork of the intricately muscled superhero, complete with lion skin and of course standing entirely naked, in all his glory.  At the sight of the ancient world’s most revered hero and despite the contemplative temple structure in which he is housed, the kids invariably burst into hysterics, and might even say something like “Is this safe to show kids?????”  When this happens, I usually stand there until they remember that they're supposed to be involved in some sort of semi-formal lesson, and they largely stop giggling and look at me uncomfortably.  I ask them why they are laughing, tell them it’s perfectly understandable, and even give them 15 more seconds to officially get out all of their giggles.  At the end of 15 seconds, though, I tell them that they will be moving on and taking this as a learning opportunity, so every time they see a sculpture whose nudity freaks them out, instead of loosing it, they will take a moment, put their pointer fingers to their chins and say “Huh. Interesting.”  I tell them that this moment, though tough, is an excellent opportunity to change their attitudes and to learn something about the ancient people.  Dammit.

Timcident aside, there have been enough situations recently where I have been standoffish or even outwardly mean or confrontational with men for me to recognize that I need to change my attitude.  But before I do that,  I get my 15 seconds.  Or to “stroke” my feelings, as Sojourner Ruth and I like to say.  Let me be honest, when it comes to men, I generally, though not always consciously, consider them to be dicks until proven otherwise.  In case it isn't clear, I got wounds, man.  And they were inflicted at a young age.  Growing up, I was ridiculed by boys for being “ugly” and “weird.” In 6th grade, Josh Stevenson told everyone that he had a dog on his street with the same name as me, so all the boys in school barked at me whenever I walked by.  To this day, I still flinch when someone fake-barks (there are some situations that call for that), and still go around feeling like an ugly weirdo.  What a little prick Josh Stevenson was! But guess what? Josh grew up to be a MINISTER, and is now married to one of our high school classmates, with a beautiful little boy. It seems that he grew into a pretty nice guy.  Huh.  Interesting.

As a kid, I hardened my heart to boys as a defense mechanism, and even though I know intuitively that I don’t have to live that way anymore, there is still some residual hurt.  But despite that hurt, I love guys, and I want to find one that I can build a life with.  So how do I change my attitude? How do I convince adult me that men aren’t going to bark at me, and could maybe even be caring and loving and accepting of who I am? I’m not entirely sure, but as part of my Admenture, I vow to try, one MANteraction at a time. To start, I’m going to give guys a chance.  If I get a message from someone on OKcupid, like I did today, and his message is reasonable but his pics aren’t perfect, maybe I decide to give him a chance.  That might not mean go on a date with him, but I can at least message him back before writing him off altogether.   I will try my damndest to be nice to guys.  Swallowing that sarcastic comment that might be incredibly hilarious but not necessarily nice or maybe even down right nasty will get me closer to my goal of connecting with someone. Sacrcasm, as someone recently reminded me, means to tear flesh. And I want to get closer, so RIP sarcasm.  I will give guys the benefit of the doubt, have confidence in myself and my own potential to be attractive to someone.  When I catch a guy looking at me, I get self-conscious and defensive, assuming I have a stain on my shirt or something, when it’s entirely likely that he could be (respectfully) staring at my tits. I will remember this.  I will smile at guys.  Not necessarily in New York City, because my mom always told me that isn’t safe, but everywhere else. There will probably be some other things, too, and I welcome your suggestions, but for now I am simply declaring that I need to open my heart and break down some walls if I’m gonna meet someone great, and it starts here and now, with a change in attitude. 

In closing, a Passover lesson:

“Scrub away negativity. Let your soul shine. Scrub away the suggestive powers of society. Let your soul shine. Scrub away the barriers between your brothers and sisters. Let your soul shine. Scrub away your silly insecurities. Let your soul shine. Scrub away your ego. Let your soul shine…Scrub away all the layers. Reveal the light, the shine. Reveal your mission. Reveal your powers. Reveal the meaning. Reveal the light inherit in the dark.”

Yours,

Joan

P.S.  Keep the goals and suggestions coming, everyone!  This week I had two challenges posed to me:

1                    Email 2-3 men per day from either OK Cupid or Match.com

2            Purchase two tickets and find a date for the upcoming Best Coast concert which I'll be attending with two other two-somes.