Week Four: Book Review: He’s Just Not
That Into You: The No Excuses Truth to
Understanding Guys
What do you think of this
book? I just re-read it, and am so glad
I did. It’s not for everyone, and many
think it's sexist and superficial, but I have to admit that I found it, along
with its companion It’s Called a Break-up
Because it’s Broken to be must-reads. If you’re like me, you’re prone to
fantasy and imagination and need a voice of reason like this guy Greg Behrendt
or your very own Sojourner Ruth to occasionally screw your head on straight. I'm prone to overthinking. That includes my own behaviors as well as the
object of my affection’s. I’m just as
likely to obsess over saying the wrong thing or acting the wrong way as I am to
wondering why he acted the way he did.
And I’m usually attracted to “complicated” men. These are guys that seem exciting,
interesting, brooding, bad boyish, alcoholic or all of the above. Like my college obsession, the largely mute alcoholic line
cook with an eye patch and arms covered in tattoos. Swoon. My propensities mixed with those of my “type”
usually make for these murky grey situations that are on the surface
comfortably ambiguous and seem initially exciting and offbeat, but become
wildly unsettling then devastatingly painful.
I don’t like that this book
claims to “understand” guys or that it occasionally makes girls look
pathetic. But I found it holistically
very useful and downright eye opening.
It’s simple. If a guy doesn’t
call, if he doesn’t ask you questions, if he doesn’t show interest in you or in
moving your relationship forward, he’s not that into you. Many people get these basic clues, but
remember I’d rather imagine him into liking me rather than facing the facts.
What if his dark past has made him afraid of love? What if he was orphaned as a
child and has difficulty with intimacy?
What if he’s just getting out of a relationship? My favorite thing about this book is that the
authors actually give these hypotheses momentary credence. There ARE people who have had difficult
childhoods, and those who just got out of relationships and aren’t ready
yet. There ARE people who have fears of
intimacy. But do I want to be with any
of them? If I managed to win the heart
of any one of those wishy-washy men, would those relationships be satisfying?
Would I feel loved the way that I need and deserve to be loved? Probably not. In my old age, I’m happy to report that I’m starting
to develop an appetite for a guy who's crazy about me, not just crazy.
So I liked it. But what did you think? This is sure to be a heated, controversial
debate!
XOXOX,
Joan
I remember the initial reading of this book, outloud, in the car on a 6 hour car ride to Boston. If I recall, it was in the midst of your fling with Patches. Since then, my relationship with this book has mostly been through your occasional invocations of its titular theme. You usually bring it up when I'm dragging you into some fantasyland, making up stories about a man's (man-child, if you will; yours, mine, ours) history, secret desires, implicit motives, etc. And I think it's completely reasonable and healthy to raise this possibility (ie HJNTIY) as an alternative hypothesis to our conjecture. But there is something the book gets wrong: it sells out friends as deluded, truth-avoidant, wishy-washy, afraid to make the hard sell, and I don't agree on that count. Ultimately, of course, no friend EVER wants to be in the position of telling her friend disappointing news, but that’s not the only reason friends don’t come out and say it.
ReplyDeleteHere is is. HJNTIY is a conversation-ender. That’s fine for a book, because you already bought it, sucker, so that relationship has pretty much run its course. But what function does a conversation-ender serve in a friendship?-- especially since a huge reason we (as friends) engage in this kind of co-imagining is because it brings us closer together when we talk about it. It’s intimate and exciting and satisfying. Is the advice always good? Of course not, but seriously, when is the last time any of us got good advice from anyone? But the process of talking about the issue, giving advice, receiving advice, etc. is probably important. Yes, we spent many nights gulping down vodka sours and playing erotic photo hunt while waiting for Patches to show up (PS how was he so good at pool with only one eye?), but I had a great time doing it with you. Not “doing it” with you, you know what I mean. It’s hard to imagine how those nights would’ve been different if I had said, “You know, friend, HJNTIY.”
Maybe this actually does sound sort of manipulative. Huh. I think the book raises a good point about not waiting around for people to start treating you better, about learning to know when it’s time to cut your losses and get the hell out. I certainly don’t think anyone should stay in a shitty situation just so we can dissect it over dinner and drinks. But I don’t think it’s totally right that the book rips on the fantasyland and the people who want to go there with you.
FRIEND. I love your badass historical figure name!!! Sososososos much. And I love you. Obvs. Eternally. And no dumb book will ever come between us. You have helped me process countless complicated situations and our talks have been an integral part of my personal growth. I love you for it, and I cherish those memories. And just because I'm forcing myself to not be attracted to losers anymore, does not mean that there will be any shortage of things to talk about or process, so I hope you will continue to go there with me forever and ever Amen.
ReplyDeleteAnd I didn't buy the book, I got it at the library! Along with The Rules, which I'll be reading and reviewing soon.
And you're right, so many fun times would never have happened if you said HJNIY. And also, if you DIDN'T say IHADIMP.
ReplyDeleteThat is so true. Just ask not-Jenny-Lewis.
DeleteI would also like to add that an equivalent number of fun times would have been missed if you had said HJNTIY.
Deletewhat about the other book?
ReplyDeleteIt's Called a Breakup Because it's Broken?? READ IT!
ReplyDeleteCan't recommend that one enough.
Delete