Week something:  The Rules, Booze, and Man Boys


I'm back!  And I wish I could say "better than ever," but things have been kind of rough around here.  I got laid off from my job at the museum, and ever since then I have been too obsessed with finding a new job and hating myself to concentrate on boys.  Despite this dating drought in real life, though, I have continued to intellectually ponder ideas about dating through the safety of my own Kindle Fire while simultaneously watching boys on the bus.  I'm talking about reading "The Rules" and "The Rules of Online Dating."  


These books have a bad rap in the feminism world because they encourage women, who, thanks to "Women's Lib" as my grandmother calls it, have been taught to take charge and be aggressive.  This attitude has helped women excel in the work world, The Rules contend, but ain't gone get you nowhere in the dating world.  Men like a chase, and "The Rules" lay out a play-by-play manual for how to snag Mr. Right.  Here are a sampling of some of the juiciest and contentious Rules:


1. Be a "Creature Unlike Any Other."


2. Never ask a guy out.


3. Never call a guy in the first few months of dating.


4. Don't have sex on dates one, two, or three.


5. "Disappear" in between dates.


6. Wait 24 hours before answering his email (Rules for Online Dating).


7. Don't accept a date for Saturday after Tuesday.


8. Never ask a man to dance.




What do you think about these?  When I first read them, The Rules sounded ridiculous and "50's" (the first edition was published in the 90's, btw). But after spending some time pondering them and also breaking every single Rule recently, I have to admit that they have begun to sink in a bit and I am inclined to think that they may have some merit.  The first, "Be a Creature Unlike Any Other", at first sounds asinine and pathetic, but I think there is actually something to it.  A CUAO is elusive and aloof, and somewhat blue-ball inducing as she dangles men in front of her, unwilling to give them what they want right away.  That smacks of a game, and doesn't sit well with some of us.  But, for me, the thing that's so cool about a CUAO, according to The Rules definition, is that she has this current of contentment that runs through all that she does, and is bathed in the overall sense that everything will work out as it should if she just hangs in there a bit longer.  It's about faith, man. CUAOs are confident, they know who they are and what they want and like, and they approach dating like a trip Yogurtland.   "Let's see, will I have the peanut butter swirl, or the boysenberry crunch today?" They don't sit around waiting for men to call, and they don't spend time worrying if men are into them.  Instead, a CUAO thinks "What do I want?"


As for the others, I am still testing them out, or as I said, systematically breaking every single one.  Recently, I have engaged in a great experiment for how not to snag Mr. Right by not following "The Rules" at all.  I met Cute Coffee Shop Boy during Sojourner Ruth's birthday party at his coffee shop, and instantly found him to be everything that I like:  super cute, weird, and "artsy."  I went right up to him, stuck my hand out and said "I want to meet you," thereby asserting myself in a completely anti-Rules way (Don't approach guys).  After getting good and liquored up at the party, I immediately brought him home which was very un-Rulesy (Don't have sex on dates, one, two, and three). And I know what you are probably thinking.  Obviously this isn't "Mr. Right," or even vaguely a romantic prospect, as I obviously put it in the "casual fuck" column immediately.  But, much to my dismay, I found myself thinking about him, finding his facebook persona charming, and wondering if he could be more than a one-nighter.  I got my chance on his birthday last week, when I showed up at his party, got wasted, and dragged him home after a sloppy late night salsa dance party (Never ask a man to dance).  Oops, I did it again.  And afterwards, in a fashion that was all-too like my ex-boyfriend, he left.  Sure, it was 2:00 in the morning and he had to open the coffee shop at 6:00, but HE LEFT.  And left me wondering "what if?" Even though this behavior was decidedly un-boyfriendly, my warped mind wondered, could he be boyfriend material?  I think I've received my answer in the week that's followed, as he has not called, texted, tweeted, or paged me since our last "meeting." But still....


The weird thing is, even though we have been nothing but occasional drunken casual sex partners, I do find myself wanting to date him, so what do I do?  The Rules would say NO CONTACT.  So I've been trying that.  No calls or texts, and I've even taken him out of my phone.  OK, I did "like" one of his facebook statuses in a moment of weakness, but all in all, I've been pretty good.  I think that there may be some possibility that, if I reach out, he would definitely respond, but the fact is that I just don't feel like it.  I kinda want to be chased.  But is all of this out of the question since I totally busted The Rules?  I guess what I'm getting at, is clearly I am interested in the prospect of a relationship with him.  Isn't that what we all want? Someone to share our heart, soul, and body (ew, sorry) with?  Sojourner Ruth laid down some tough truths for me.  She aptly observed that this guy is clearly not interested in a relationship, as he would have called if he was.  So, in her view, my choices are to: give it up and move on, or pursue him "just for fun."  I have to admit, that latter prospect is pretty intriguing.  I would give up the fantasy of him altogether as anything, except did I mention that he is REALLY cute? Also, I haven't had a boyfriend in nine months.  An entire BABY could have been conceived and born since then.  And let's face it, the men aren't necessarily lining up at my door, clamoring for my attention these days.  It would be nice to have a bed friend and someone to go to Reggae Night at the Hollywood Bowl with.  So I am wrestling with that.


Perhaps at the heart of it all are a few deeper issues, though.  Aside from being "really cute" and "weird," two essential sexy traits in my book, CSB is actually a CS Man, at forty years old. You'll remember that my last boyfriend was 50, and a teen fiction writer. The only other guy I ever felt a real connection with before him lived with his mom, had a vintage toy collection, and recorded original songs on his computer out of his bedroom.  CSB is a coffee shop owner/artist with an alien obsession . Through all of this, I am starting to realize: I LOVE MAN BOYS!


What is so tantalizing about them?  Is it that they refuse to commit, and I too, have a fear of commitment, deep down?  Is it their inability to be intimate that attracts me who is not always the best at expressing my feelings and needs?  Is it the way that they tend to approach life with all of the joy, curiosity, and playfulness of children that makes me want them so badly?  Is it the fact that I never had a boyfriend in middle school and high school, and thus crave the innocence of young love? Is it Daddy Issues?  Whatever it is, it's something that I am definitely recognizing more and more, and may need to address within myself.  I love this breed of man/boy, and this is the type of guy that never wants to invest in a meaningful relationship. So whenever I find myself involved with one, I end up spinning some fantasy that we are in something that we're not, and I am the one is devastated in the end.  He just dusts himself off and finds another girl to teeter-totter with.  So should I pursue CSB?  What do you think, Dear Readers?


The other thing that is going on, is I am starting to examine the relationship that booze plays in all of this.  When I get around a cute boy and a lot of liquor, I am powerless to stop drinking, and relinquish control over any and all of my limbs. Maybe this is my insecurity coming out, and my sense that I can't be funny or cute or sexy without taking away my nervousness through booze, but I am seeing lately a pattern between getting wasted and hooking up, which truthfully, has been there for a really long time.  So I'm investigating all of that.  Possibly more on that soon.


Thanks for reading, and for coming along for this thrill-ride that is My Year of Admenture!


Humbly and Emphatically Yours with 100% Commitment,


Joan